Wishing You a Charlie Brown Christmas

Harry recently reminded me of an old Christmas standby and the tree that still makes me tear up.

"All it needed was a little love."




The Gospel according to Luke:8-14 (from the KJV):

"'8And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. 9And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid. 10And the angel said unto them, Fear not: for, behold, I bring you tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. 11For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Savior, which is Christ the Lord. 12And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger. 13And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying, 14Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace and goodwill towards men.'"
"......That's what Christmas is all about, Charlie Brown."

Sending love and assurance of what Christmas is really all about.

Fall-La-La-La-La

Fall is here and I can prove it:
1) First Husker game (and win) of the season was on Saturday. Sorry we wiped the floor with you, W. Kentucky, can't say you weren't warned!
2) Pumpkin Spice Lattes and Salted Carmel Hot Chocolates are at Starbucks. I've only indulged in the first so far but the second promises to be almost as heart-stoppingly delicious and bad for me as the first so it will happen soon.
3) Squashes are starting to show up at the Farmer's Market and the first crop of apples is sneaking into the grocery store and consequently being swarmed by apple loves (I got the last two honeycrisps on the stand last week).
4) I'm already getting the "winter reading itch" and plotting the books I'll read in Winter 2010/2011
5) The weather has necessitated runs back into the house for cardigans and sweaters
6) My favorite clothing Web sites have been advertising shooties (booties + shoes)

7) Peach pies are beginning to give way to apple pies soon (though, the peach pies were fantastic, if I may say so myself—I acheived a lattice top this year too).












8) I've revived my ghost story I'm writing and it's coming together plot wise—now I just have to write the dang thing.
9) Previews for scary movies are coming out; I tell myself I'll go to all of them but really end up just renting one of the not-so-scary ones six months later.
10) Halloween candy is out and I bought my mother a bag of mallowcream pumpkins yesterday.

StoryCorps

StoryCorps is an independent nonprofit organization whose mission is to provide Americans of all backgrounds and beliefs with the opportunity to record, share, and preserve the stories of our lives.

NPR brings us touching, funny, and often heartwrenching stories and feature them for about five minutes on morning edition weekly. I hardly ever listen to one of these without tearing up so be warned! Now, animators have taken a couple stories to the next level by animating the recordings through illustration. Check out this sweet one below about a mother and a son who has Aspergers:

Q&A from StoryCorps on Vimeo.

And I will warn you now that this one had me shaking with sobs but personally, it was an important one to watch and I'll admit to you why. I've always been and am still single. Ninety percent of the time these days, I'm really pleased about it and enjoying this time in my life. But 10% I consider that my single friends count is dwindling so I can count them on one hand, my heart swells with happiness as women I've walked through life with say "I Do" and start their own families with little baby bumps. But it's a bit hard not to feel a little like the last one picked in kick ball. So for me, this story along with countless others I've been blessed to witness reminds me that great love exists and how many forms it takes. Watch with a box of Kleenex but leave hopeful in love, single or not:

Danny & Annie from StoryCorps on Vimeo.

Other great stories (they're almost all amazing):
Intertwined Love Story: Twins Who Married Twins
"You're not a fantastic dancer, but you hold me fantastically and I feel it."

After Just 10 Days, 'Best Years' Of Life Begin
"Even if you stop loving me tomorrow, I could never pay you back for all of the love and affection you have given my baby."

My First Crush

I love this little animated interview set about first crushes and I really hope that Steve eventually found Jackie.

"I can still actually feel that smell."

"I just blurted out to her, willyousitwithmeonthebus?"

"I'm still in love with you."




I had my first crush in third grade and I was so enamored with the guy that when his shoelace broke after trying to tie his shoes on the playground, I kept the remnant. When he sat in front of me during a test, I would watch him instead of filling it out and have to rush and do it all quickly at the end (once I was even accused of cheating off his paper even though I was more clever than him though, evidently, not clever enough to focus on my test).

Finally, I decided to kiss him though I knew he would never kiss me. One recess, I ran into the school to get a drink and when I approached the water fountain, he was bent over it and drinking big gasping gulps (he played soccer every recess—I watched). So I looked right and left and seeing no one, I kissed his shoulder and quickly stepped back to see what would happen. He turned around and smiled dazzlingly and said "Oh, sorry, I didn't know anyone was waiting," and he sprinted off outside to get back in the game. I remember feeling really sad because I realized that he had registered the kiss as a tap on the shoulder and had no idea I'd even done it. Then I felt relieved and pleased that, in one way or another, I'd still kissed him. It was enough.

He grew up to play high school soccer and after a series of concussions he's significantly less clever (really, his repeated injuries cost him much of his ability to think) and he's living in a house with some of his elementary school chums and works manual labor somewhere. I still think he's one of the most beautiful men ever.

Rules

I love this site and the pearls of wisdom that come from the various sources that contributed to it. For example:
392. When you’re with new friends, don’t just talk about old friends.

390. Eat lunch with the new kid.

389. After writing an angry email, read it carefully. Then delete it.

“Don’t pick fights with the bullies or the cads, ‘cause I’m not much cop at punching other people’s dads.

David Bowie, Kooks

395. Be mindful of what comes between you and the earth. Buy good tires, good sheets, and good shoes.

402. If you aren’t hungry enough to eat an apple, you aren’t hungry.

“Always read something that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.

P.J. O’Rourke

411. At the ballpark, never start the wave. But don’t let it die.

415. The pleats on a cummerbund face up.

“Be always at war with your vices, at peace with your neighbors, and let each new year find you a better man.

Benjamin Frankiln

434. A suntan is earned, never bought.


I think I want to buy the book for my father on Father's Day. Shhh, don't tell him.

Shake Your Shamrock!

Hold the phone, here's the most significant Web site on the Internet. It helps you locate McDonald's restaurants that are carrying the irresistable Shamrock Shake—a minty milkshake McDonald's carries just for St. Patrick's Day! I went to McD's last year for one and they DIDN'T MAKE THEM! I was devastated. It ruined my whole holiday. But thanks to the shake locator, I now know where I can find them in my hometown! Have a minty and marvelous St. Patty's Day!

Isn't she beautiful?

True Love Lives on in My Two Friends

The Wedding of Justin & Alison from Skylar Wright on Vimeo.

I was with the gorgeous bride for the entire day and I can tell you, I never got tired of looking at her—her beauty was, like never before, utterly captivating. And Justin brought tears of pride to my eyes just from looking at him; suddenly, I saw he broke the mold of the man I'd always imagined for my Alison.

Just wanted to tell you both that I love you and I love the love you have. Happy early b-day, Justin!

Home Again

New place of residence: Lincoln, Nebraska
Duration of stay so far: 14 days
Accomplishments:
1) Unloaded 40 boxes of my earthly belongings and settled into my space in the basement of my parent's house (what can I say, no one could compete with the rent)
2) Helped my mother acquire a puppy for my father (name: Daisy)
3) Have worked manically since the day I got back and haven't missed any deadlines yet
4) Have been slowly making my way back into Lincoln society
5) Spent some great quailty time with a couple of friends
6) Have been honored by invitations to join three separate book clubs already, thus, I consider myself a successful fraud in establishing myself as an intellectual reader (I know many greater readers than myself who take far less pride in their literary conquests)
7) Signed up for a 5k and got some friends who have never done one to come with

What I have yet to accomplish (got all day?): Have yet to...
1) Train for said 5k race or acquire gym membership
2) Finish unpacking completely
3) Read books for said book clubs
4) Make comprehensive list of goals and aspirations for my "new season" in Lincoln
5) Secure a permanent position work wise
6) Keep in touch with my S.D. people and remind them how much they mean to me
7) Potty train said puppy

When I got back to NE, I was completely overwrought. I don't know the last time I felt so run down, but between a completely frenetic work schedule, packing and moving, emotional good byes to friends, poor eating habits, and a general lack of sleep spanning three weeks, I was pretty much a grumpy, out-of-control mess. Now, after two weeks of plentiful sleep, good home-cooked food, and (finally) being unpacked, I am prepared to take on this new season with much fervor.
Spring is almost here and I am delighted to be back home for a real, actual change in season. Rain is expected all week and I relish the clouds and the barely perceptible green peaking out from the brown, damp earth. It's going to be a very good year and I am so humbled already by how things have worked out so far.

Happy to be home again, in short.

COMING SOON: new blog look and more regular postings! Thanks for your patience!!

One Month

One month left of residency in California. How I will miss it.

Head's up; might not be posting as much due to living it up in my beautiful city. Or, conversely, perhaps I will need to post more to cope...we'll see.

Sending love from La Jolla.

Makes Me Happy

I've been feeling down since January 3. At 7:35 p.m. PST, I flew over the beautifully lit, downtown skyline and the gently curving Coronado bridge and felt a pang as I realized it was the last time I would fly into San Diego as my home. I will leave here in a Penske and a VW Jetta on February 20th; a month and a week from tomorrow. I've been mourning the thought all last week and spent most of my weekend in my apartment cleaning, sorting, and sulking. I'm relearning the lesson I was taught when I moved out here; just because you're making the right decision doesn't mean you're making the easy one.

Getting back to church last night helped significantly; the sermon wasn't tailored to my situation or anything, but it was the first time in a month I'd attended. It made a big difference just because it was church; it injected me with a shot of optimism I truly needed and today, I'm reminded of things that make me happy even when the big stuff changes:

—Wild Sweet Orange Tea
—Shopping for cheese at Trader Joe's
—The new Vampire Weekend album
—Silhouetted palm trees
—Warm from the dryer, clean bedding and going to bed with a wet head in January and not freezing
—The Fresh Ink section at Hallmark and picking out cards for friends and family
—A new red dress
—Seeing my growth group girls tomorrow and anticipating serious discussion and funny stories during the same hour or two we spend together
—Reading a good book after discontinuing the reading of a bad one
—Watching The Tudors online
—Wearing a scarf from a friend (Alison, I'm wearing the black one you gave us bridesmaids today)
—Having perfectly plucked eyebrows (so what if it took 15 minutes to do it last night?)

Short Shots

If you had been me this last week, here are some things you would've seen:

[—My dad, the world traveler, looking at the ocean as if he'd never seen it before; it makes itself new to him everytime he visits it.
—]An extra-slow-moving school bus with the words "NEVER TARDY" stenciled on the side.
[—An old lady dressed up as Michael Jackson on Halloween (she had everything right except that she had on a Jewish costume hat on (a fedora/top hat with two large brown curls coming out at the temples of the hat on each side, separated out to look like Michael's.
—]This guy position his skateboard on the sidewalk just so, then push off to ride it sitting down all the way down this huge hill by Rose Canyon.
[—A small section of my morning commute where there's not a palm in sight and a few of the trees are turning. When it's cloudy, it could be Nebraska.
—]You would've felt first then seen a little boy walking with his mom at the mall, and stick out his arm just in time to brush your calve as you passed one another, look down, then back at him as he looks back at you too grinning and waving.
[—My coworker coming into my cubicle to feel her baby doing flips in her tummy, my face and hand on her belly.
—]The scottie dog, Angus, I'm going to dog sit for the rest of the month who has a haircut that leaves his tail fluffy, his face hair long, and his back buzzed with a fringe of hair like a bed's dust ruffle that swings and swishes when he walks (not sure there are even feet under there.
[—A little kid ordering chocolate at See's Candy at the mall.
Kid: I need one chocolate cream.
See's Lady: Just the one?
Kid: It's not for me, it's for my Mom (as he counts out change from his pocket)
See's Lady: Do you like milk or dark chocolate?
Kid: I like mil...I mean, my Mom likes milk chocolate.
See's Lady: Got it! Here you go.
(She sets down the milk chocolate on the counter and slides the change into her palm and starts the arduous task of counting it. The kid spins the chocolate in its wrapper on the counter, rustling the wrapper paper and squeezing the chocolate through it as the lady slowly counts the change. She watches him.)
See's Lady: You know what? A girl can never have enough chocolate, why don't you give her this one too.
(The kid just looks at her.)
See's Lady: It's free.
(Kid smiles broadly at her and uses a cupped hand to slide the new chocolate next to the one he's been fussing with and stares at his wealth of chocolate.)
See's Lady: Ah, ah, ah...don't mix them up. I made sure to get one with nuts for your Mom. She'll want to know which is which when you give them to her.
(Kid nods sagely and puts one in each hand and thanks the lady and leaves.)
See's Lady: Welcome to See's Candy, what can I do for you?
Meg: I need a quarter pound of key lime truffles, and they're for my mother too.
(And they were, but I did got a delightful sample for me (dark chocolate shell around pineapple truffle.))

Five Great Things Friday

Today I'm celebrating kid's PBS in honor of Reading Rainbow's last day on air ever. Tragic, seriously saddened by this. Do you remember the old school theme song? "Butterfly in the sky, I can go twice as high..." and the kids turned into royalty, then astronauts, then discoverers? The little harpsichord "Baaah bowm bum!" at the end of each book talk? Sigh...
At least Sesame Street is still going strong, hurrah! Here's five great things from Sesame street. My mom's favorites are always the aliens discovering things, so the first video is in honor of her.

"Happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, boing, boing, boing, boing."


"A, B, C, D, E, F, wait, what?"


"What happened, Arrow?"

Sesame Street - Muppet and Kid Moments : Follow the Arrow

From 1969, completely classic.


"Why’d ya lost your paperclips?"

No Puedo Suportarla!

I HAVE to return to Mexico, and soon!!! I had a dream about a reunion with my ISA girls (ISA is the organization through which I traveled abroad) and it was tear-filled and wonderful and I miss that life so much, three years later. Alison and Jess are the only ones who read this who can identify with the places I name but I hope everyone can appreciate how gorgeous these photos are that I found on the Web. (Alison, algun dia tenemos que viajar alla juntos, en serio. Debemos ir este verano/otono porque nuestra otra amiga no puede ir a CO con nosotros, entonces, propongo que nos vamos.)

I miss meeting in front of Teatro Juarez with our other gals, Jess and knowing that any night we could pick up a few guys on the steps to be our dates for a night of dancing. Capitolio was my favorite for dancing, Colorado was Jess' but the first night we danced in GTO was at Havana with the viejitos; I also remember that that's where Alissa stole the show dancing with Felipe while Amber downed the pina colada I bought (although she claimed to be lactose intolerant...more like cheap!). Do you remember how Elisha and the other gals loved WhyNot? We liked El Bar above ISA and pretty much anywhere that had salsa dancing.

I was and am still obsessed with Cafe Tal, their bitter hot chocolates are unsurpassed and their coffee was great too. I sat in there for hours drawing, thinking, reading...it was fabulous. That little pastry shop where Lisa always bought us pastries for dinner was nearby and we always had to resist buying yummies there on the way to school (except once we gave in...ONCE in five weeks! Not too bad). It was just past Jardin de Embajadores.

Jess, I can't believe I'm saying this but I really miss puffing up those hills with you, you slowed down for me and didn't tell me ever but I knew. Thanks for not leaving me behind; you know I would've gotten so lost.

Finally, I remember our totally unprepared hike to La Bufa, repelling down, having our leader drive off and leaving us miles above the city, and us collapsing at Cafe Sol and eating a ton of food and having beer. SUCH a great day.

Simon says, "Remember When?"

Remember when this was your favorite game in the '80s? Me neither, but I remember detesting it b/c my brother kicked my butt every time I attempted to play. Now that I'm all grown up I'm loving it and wondering where my mom put our awesome old toys. The highest I've gotten so far is 12, and I my hands were sweating a lot.

Simon made by Neave Games

Falling for Autumn Is Easy to Do

Theory: I am willing fall into existence in San Diego.

Proof: I have beautiful changing trees within the courtyards of my apartment complex so that I can look out my window and see bright red leaves against a brilliant blue sky. 'Tis a thing of beauty. Also, my parents are on their first visit to Niagra this week and I prayed VERY hard yesterday that my San Diego sun would be sent to them for the day (rain was predicted for most of their trip) and guess what? Contrary to all the weather reports Mom and Dad did receive sun yesterday and we have clouds! Amazing!

Truth: God is freaking amazing and no matter where I may or may not be in my faith walk right now--He still hears me and I really can't believe how good He is.

Other things that have brought me joy: the Pumpkin Spice Latte from Starbucks, making a pact with myself that I will wear high heels at least twice a week, signing up for another 5k to support breast cancer awareness and forming a team to go with me, no joke--about 10 sightings of man capris in the past week, looking forward to seeing my dearest Sarah at the end of the month (!), compiling a new autumn playlist, a fantastic fall care package from my mom, two stories I'm working on, and a brand new beautiful leather journal I started Wednesday.

I'm Obsessed with:

—Gregory Peck, They just don't make 'em like this anymore. Like George Clooney, this guy only got hotter as he aged. I just discovered, upon researching him a bit, that he was born in La Jolla! I think it's only fitting that I proceed to rent every movie he ever starred in and swoon at his fabulously good looks and equally fabulous acting. His original name was Eldred Gregory Peck—nice choice on the name change, Handsome. I love him best in his roles in Spellbound, Roman Holiday, To Kill a Mockingbird, and even in Old Gringo (I only liked it b/c I was in Mexico when I watched it, stateside it's probably not that good).

—In unrelated news, I LOVE Nabisco Newtons Fruit Crisps!!! No, no one's paying me to promote these (I wish they were), but I've taken to eating these daily. I haven't tried the mixed berry one, I'm still working through a box of the apple cinnamon...tastes like an apple turnover. YUMMO! Now go buy.
—Audio books, the cure to Meg's road rage. My dearest friend Sarah had to witness my road rage while she stayed with me in San Diego for a while and it wasn't until I heard the moans of mortal terror coming from her in response to my behind-the-wheel outbursts that I realized I had a problem. A big one. I hate sitting in traffic, foot beginning to ache from being poised over the accelerator in hopes of using it. I hate A-hole days on the road during which it seems like everyone got the memo that cutting off, tailing, honking, and ignoring blind spots is okay. But true to new-age California, I have been enlightened, I have risen from road rage to road zen. I pop in an audio CD from the library (God bless 'em) and mentally go away, the road may do as it will b/c I'm not in a hurry when I'm absorbing Nabakov's Lolita, Kerouac's On the Road, or Ellison's The Invisible Man. Indeed, I've been known to remain in my car post-journey in order to prolong my literary car sessions. So I say viva la audio book! Oh, and by the way, so long as the audio book is unabridged, you can TOTALLY say you've "read" that book. No question.

—Unusual vegetables, or at least unusual to me:
—I'm a fan of spaghetti squash, you bake it like a potato at 375 for 15-25 minutes depending (don't forget to poke holes in it!). Once baked, carefully split the squash, deseed it, and use a fork to separate the strands of meat. They're not hairy strands like other squashes and they take on the taste of whatever you put on them (I did chicken medallions, peanut sauce, chives, and broccoli with mine). So why not just eat normal noodles? Because spaghetti squash is super good for you!

—I've also fallen for eggplant, I made a low-fat eggplant parm the other night that was to die for. Crispy on the outside and chewy, earthy eggplant on the inside. Let me know if you would like the recipe. *update* recipe is found in comments on this post.



—Butternut squash, it's a pain b/c it's really hard to cut and you have to peel them, but I cut mine into french fry shapes, baked them with some olive oil at 425 for about 15 minutes, put salt on them, and enjoyed alternative french fries.

—Beets, also hard to cut, peel them and either sautee them with some evoo, salt, and pepper or steam them, puree them and make into beet soup, here's a great recipe I found (I replaced the whipping cream with F.F. sour cream, and ditched the butter, and it still tasted indulgent).



—Asparagus, not exactly exotic, but I finally found a way to prepare it that I'll eat! I broil just the ends in evoo, a splash of soy, and some minced garlic until the outside is crispy and the inside is tender and limp. *Tip*: how do you know where asparagus woodiness ends and tender, good-to-eat tenderness begins? Simply take the aspargus stalks one at a time and snap them into two pieces, they break at the perfect point.

More veggies I'm going to try/learn to cook and love: brusselsprouts (they have a bad rep., but I hear these adorable little cabbage dudes are delicious if prepared well), artichokes (I can never make these right...), endive, and garbanzo beans. However, I refuse to touch water chestnuts. Sick.

A Dedication

I wrote this song for my Alison a couple days ago skipping back with a bag full of nectarines, plums, mangos, and peaches from the little fruit stand close to my apartment:





La fruta la fruta me hace feliz,
La fruta la fruta me hace feliz,
Duraznos y pinas y fresas tambien,
La fruta la fruta me hace bien!

Party on a pineapple Alison. Party on a pineapple.

A Book That's Just Dandy

Dandelion Wine by Ray Bradbury

This is what my vintage copy of Bradbury's book looks like, it's cover price is only 50 cents.

I confess that I was put off by this book initially. I like to read a science fiction novel every cusp-of-summertime. This genre serves me well as the thrill of rising temperatures, switching out winter clothes, and blockbuster movies make it difficult for me to focus on reading. But when I began Dandelion Wine I had to check the author's name again on the cover to make sure I was reading the same writer I'd supposed. This collection of summery coming-of-age short stories reads more like Mark Twain and less like the grandad of sci-fi.
I consulted an expert concerning the issue, and he assured me that I wouldn't be disappointed. He convinced me by relating this, "you can clearly see that he's trying to evoke memories of summer and childhood...you'll fall in love with Greentown, and lime-vanilla ice cream."
I haven't gotten to that part of the book yet, but click this link to a recipe I found on Epicurious.com for lime-vanilla ice cream (I love this site it for its recipes and it's creative name). I'm determined to try the recipe out as soon as it gets hot enough.
While lime-vanilla ice cream waits for me in later pages, so far I've enjoyed these quotes and exerpts from the story already:

"...the water was silk in the cup..."

"...it was only important that the darkness filled the town like black water being poured over the houses..."

"Gardening is the handiest excuse for being a philosopher. Nobody guesses, nobody accuses, nobody knows, but there you are, Plato in the peonies, Socrates force-growing his own hemlock. A man toting a sack of blood manure across his lawn is kin to Atlas letting the world spin easy on his shoulder."

"I'm Alice, she's Jane, and that's Tom Spaulding."
"How nice. And I'm Mrs. Bentley. They called me Helen."
They stared at her.
"Don't you believe they called me Helen?" said the old lady.
"I didn't know old ladies had first names," said Tom, blinking.

I'm sure there are many more quotable lines to come and many that have passed without my notice, but all in all, this is the perfect book to kick off your summer.

What's in a name?

I had a wonderful Valentine's Day. I received a package from my parents at work containing a GPS navigation system, a Garmin, and I was overwhelmed by their generosity. If I wasn't the happiest girl in San Diego, I was certainly the most spoiled! The sick feeling I've repeatedly fought back down as I've ventured into six-lane traffic while simultaneously trying to read a map quest print out and keep the sun out of my eyes resulted in less-than-safe driving and I am so grateful for this gift.
I visited "World Market" after a good day at work, bought a bottle of Riesling called "Polka Dot" (I'd been eyeing it for a while, today it happened to be on sale!), went home and wriggled out of my work clothes and put on a French film, "Avenue Montaigne." Actually, I don't recommend it, but it served its purpose. I enjoyed tearing open some mail from friends and family, Heather and Alison, thank you so much for thinking of me. Your cards were wonderfully encouraging!
I'm concluding my day now by listening to my favorite mix CD from Heather and writing this note.
Despite a really blessed day, I'm beginning to feel some of the symptoms of heart sickness loved ones gently warned me about as I prepared to leave home; gently enough that I wouldn't be too scared to go or sleep, numerous enough that I was mentally prepared.
I have everything one would need to be content and I can literally list the things I "want" on one hand: patio furniture, a piano, an ankle that doesn't hurt anymore, and a friend. Four, not bad. Despite this, I can feel satan working so hard to draw out the joy in my life leaving a hollow space in my head where thoughts of greed, self-pity, bitterness, and malcontent echo off its walls. For some reason I'm finding it difficult to keep that space filled for very long, people far away are working overtime to do their part, God walks beside me constantly comforting me with his blessings -- quick fixes, no matter how worthy, are not the remedy. What I need is not something I can work hard for, not something I can strive to be good enough for, it is something that requires me to do the thing I'm very worst at; trust God. I must metaphorically unclench the fists I so bravely made and go before God palms up. I have to show Him, more for my sake than His (He already knows), that I have nothing to offer and I come broken and sad to be a daughter so unworthy. I can't tell you what the immediate benefits of this are because healing, at least for me, doesn't work like a shot in the arm, but more like a balm that is soothed on and goes to work with time.
Today, I went to the pharmacy to pick up a prescription (face meds) and the woman behind the counter asked for my insurance card and said "I thought you might've stopped by yesterday, Mary." Initially annoyed by the subtle reprimand, I paused, hand hanging in midair as I extended the card toward her, and looked at her. "What did you say?", I asked. She repeated herself and I heard her say my name again without having glanced at my card or white Rx sack yet. I said "okay" and finished the transaction and wished her a happy Valentine's day. I felt better as I walked away, she is the first person to remember who I am outside of the office. It sounds ridiculous, but what had been "sweet anonymity" had begun to make me feel quite invisible in this place whenever I wasn't at work. I'm anonymous no longer, one person down, an entire city full of people left to go, a season of growing stretches before me. I feel more and more ready.

Sweet Anonymity

I am in the seventh largest city in the U.S. where 1.3 million San Diegans crowd 6-lane freeway lanes, dine in posh restaurants along the boardwalk and flood the beach when the surf is high. Only about 13 of them know I'm even here, probably fewer than that remember my name; my supervisors, my landlady, my great-aunt who is probably landscaping her backyard with a swimming pool in her new hilltop abode overlooking the city as we speak, and a handful of coworkers who barely caught my name today between sips of corporate coffee and retrieving faxes.
I make a point of smiling at cashiers, produce vendors, and fellow residents in my apartment area and try hard not to convey the sentiment, "will you be my friend?" behind the grin that comes easily and, so far, is somewhat effective. I chat pleasantly with the check-out guy at Trader Joes, ask the farmer selling produce on the corner, "¿como se puede saber si un mango es maduro o no?" (how can you tell if a mango is ripe or not?) and he responds warmly in Spanish and smiles back. I met a woman in the apartment a few away from mine who works in the cancer clinic on the UCSD campus. She was dressed in a pretty sundress but looked a bit tired and told me her name was Katie. I hope I'm spelling it right and that her day wasn't too hard.
Coming home to an empty apartment isn't all bad. I no sooner do I latch and chain the door behind me, and I wriggle out of my stuffy work clothes and leave them in a heap in front of the door. I proceed to the kitchen, wearing what's left and assemble a salad made with the produce pictured here, some baby mixed greens and thai peanut dressing I concocted last night.
I know I will go to bed without having anyone to whom I may say 'goodnight' to and wake up with no one to whom I may greet with 'good morning'. That is the strangest part.
But I have no one telling me when to do something or how best I might proceed, no one to interrupt my thoughts in the coffee shop as I write letters or read (presently, am enthralled by Jane Eyre) except to ask me, "are you going to use this chair?". "No, please feel free", I reply, mentally adding, "who would I know that could occupy it?".
Perhaps some sadness will creep in later, but for the moment, all this I take in with a sort of wide-eyed consideration and am fascinated to learn what it is to be on one's own. I feel very calm and content. I feel that if that peace were disturbed, I can drive all of six minutes to the beach and watch the ocean's undulating waves licking the sand, inhale the sea scent that no man will ever succeed in bottling: the sweetness of the flowers that bloom here even in mid January, a hint of salty fishiness, of wet sand (it sort of smells like dirt but different), and that unnamable agent that distinguishes it from all other perfumes.
I miss you all, dear loved ones. Your phone calls, emails, messages, posts, and letters mean more than I can say. I don't have to be there to be "here for you", and thank you for returning the sentiment.